Grizzlies Must Reconcile TAMS Throw-backs

     MEMPHIS–   If the Griz decide to part with their vintage Don Magic Juan green and gold ABA image, they will have to take another good look at the past to come up with Hardwood Classic throw-backs. Presently, A small core of amazing NBA fans 1) would love to bring back the huge, bizarre, trendy graphic designs of the mid 90s, 2) fondly remember Shareef Abdur-Rahim’s early NBA days playing alongside Big Country 3) are not squeamish about excessive amounts of teal or Vancouver-based defeats. Unfortunately for that visionary contingent of basketballers,  it still seems far too soon, too irrational and too unlikely for the Memphis Grizzlies to consider donning the original Vancouver Grizzlies threads for NBA Hardwood Classic games. As mentioned previously, it’s tough for a young franchise with so many throwaways to contrive retro throwbacks.

      Sadly, nay, tragically those Grizzlies uniforms don’t exactly constitute classic or retro throwbacks since they left Vancouver only a decade ago, and the stigma that the original jerseys were worn by Vancouver squads who ranged from terrible to “young and rebuilding” (meaning also terrible). While it would not be the type of insensitivity to incite the outcry, rampage, and rioting that would erupt in Seattle if KD and his OKC Thunder team mates decided to strut out in SuperSonics throwback jerseys this season, it would still be poor form on the part of the Memphis Grizzlies to attempt to pass off jerseys from the fairly recent unsuccessful Vancouver days as Hardwood Classics or “throwbacks.”

 “I’m not afraid of suffocating. I just don’t see why I should ever learn to breathe with my mouth closed.”-Bryant Reeves

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 Shareef Abdur-Rahim: the high flying bright teal spot on a perennial NBA bottom-dweller in a foreign land

      For Memphis fans and most basketball fans, it would certainly fall somewhere between hilarious and awesome to see current Memphis Grizzly Zach Randolph working the boards sporting Bryant Reeves’ good ole, huge, teal #50 jersey, but maybe the world is not ready for that yet.  The world has already made it very clear it is not a collective supporter of the second coming of the Memphis Tams’ alternating bright green and bright yellow uniforms, so it may be time to think of a new Hardwood Classic option that does not borrow from the maligned Memphis Tams (or the too-recently deposed  Vancouver Grizzlies).  The Tams vibrant color clashing uniforms created quite a buzz and quickly became a popular target for ridicule from former and current NBA players and countless  two-bit basketball pundits. The Griz might think twice before taking the court again next season adorned in the glorious Tams regalia that garnered so much negative feedback last year

       Even Rudy Gay, the star player who chose the reincarnation of the ABA Tams uniforms to be the Memphis Grizzlies’ NBA Hardwood Classic uniforms for the 2011-12 season, admitted he did not realize that the green shorts and yellow jersey would be part of the same uniform to be worn in mismatched tandem. Gay, still probably society’s closest thing to an apologist for last season’s Memphis Tams throw-backs, also remarked that the jerseys did not look as blindingly loud in person as they appeared on the television screens seen by the uniforms’ innumerable critics.

“Back off, Haters!”

       In any case, I sympathize with Rudy that he and the Grizzlies caught way too much flack for the Tams uniforms. First of all, everyone chill out: they weren’t that awful.  Admit that the 70’s style typeface “MEMPHIS” across the front of the jersey looks fantastic in an ABA-tastic way, and admit it is impressive that the current Memphis NBA franchise paid homage to a beloved albeit unsuccessful Memphis ABA franchise that featured Memphis round-ball heroes like Larry Finch and Johnny Neumann.  There is something about the absurd funk, flair, and frugality of the origianal ABA landscape that seems to excuse the bad as awesomely bad, the confusing as cool. Lord knows we have seen much worse throwback jerseys in sports and the Tams uniforms are far from what can be considered ugly or weird by wild, funkadelic 70’s ABA era standards.

 

          Much of the negative feedback about the Tams uniforms was simply haters being hypercritical of the color combination of yellow and green. In the words of the illustrious arch bishop Don “Da Magic” Juan, “Green is for the money, gold is for the honeys.”  Granted, Bright green shorts and a bright yellow sleeveless top would likely be an ill-advised wardrobe selection for most every occasion in society ranging from funerals to job interviews (depending on the the job), but yellow and green have never been a terrible or even uncommon color scheme in professional sports. While at any level of basketball higher than church league ball it is extremely uncommon for basketball shorts and jersey to be different colors, it is not uncommon to see the combination of yellow and green in sports at the an level pee-wee to professionals. Please see Packers, Green Bay or SuperSonics, Seattle or Athletics, Oakland. The Tams, after all,  were purchased and branded by the owner of the Oakland A’s who wanted yellow and green brand clarity among his sports franchises but it could have been worse.  Nonetheless, the ABA non-sympathizers have spoken and last season’s Memphis throwbacks are the envy of absolutely no one in the NBA.

          Maybe if the Grizzlies had fully committed to the concept by also incorporrating the obscenely short shorts and the amazing warm-up suits, they would have won over more hearts with their flash-back to the Memphis Tams(see below). However, for future Hardwood Classic throw-back jerseys, the Grizzlies need to  (re)consider the other ABA versions of Memphis teams still available for more impressive jersey emulation.

Awesome Memphis Tams Warm-ups

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 Memphis Pros Throw-Backs

      For the Memphis Grizzlies’ first ever NBA Hardwood Classic throw-back jerseys (see Damon “Mighty Mouse” Stoudemire #20 above), they chose to go  with the original ABA Memphis Pros,  in the spitting image of Gerald Govan (back ground image  of this blog) and Johnny Neumann sans belt buckle (left, #14) . Clearly it  was wearing the old school baller Memphis Pros uniforms that propelled the Grizzlies to  improve into the kind of team that could earn a berth in the playoffs  and  get swept in the first round. I don’t know why the dapper Pros jerseys have not  stuck around. If it aint fixed, don’t broke it, or something along those lines. There was never a need to abandon the cool Pros uni’s, and it is never too late to bring them back. They looked great in past Memphis Grizzlies games, Mike Miller once went off for 40+ points  in a Memphis Pros uniform, and even before the Grizzlies migrated to Memphis the Pros uniforms were already reemerging in pop-culture to make a positive impact in the post-ABA world. By 1996, the so-fresh-and-so-clean-clean swanky threads began appearing in the poolside reveries of trash talking puppets. Memphis  basketball legend Penny Hardaway, along with Lil’ Penny, wore them in an  iconic nike commercial.

 

       In fact Lil’ Penny looked so incredibly super-duper-fly in a Pros jersey that despite mind-boggling adversity(that his jersey number wasnt even a full numerator, that he was a small plastic puppet with no known brain, heart or reproductive organs, and that he had to overcome the greatest obstacle of having Chris Rock’s voice),  he was still able to mack on supermodel Tyra Banks. Get it L. P.

       As great as the Pros throwbacks were, and as talked about as the Tams throwbacks have been, the Griz still have not yet tapped into the most magnificent, marketable and uniquely Memphis ABA persona:

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The Memphis Sounds

       As long as everyone is so strongly opposed to ever having to watch basketball being played by anyone wearing unbearable yellow and green ABA uniforms, the Grizzlies should capitalize on the safer, yet cooler, soul-powered uniforms of the long defunct Memphis Sounds. The Sounds were an admirable last hurrah for the ABA in Memphis, and while they did not come close to a whiff at a title, they graced basketball courts with creative uniforms that actually looked good. It may be time to let a beautiful ABA butterfly emerge from the scoffed and scorned cocoon of last season’s California Gold and Green Tams uniforms. Hear me out Grizzlies, in 2012, bring back the sweet Sounds jerseys.

Cue the SHAFT theme song,  and keep on scrollin

Sounds 1974-75 Home Uniform

Sounds 1974-75 Road Warmup

Sounds 1974-75 Road Warmup

 

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Most all of the ABA images are from RememberTheABA.com. Also for great franchise synopses, historical fun facts, and more recovered photographs of  completely Afro-ed Dr. J and other ABA stars from ABA teams like the Memphis Pros/Tams/Sounds visit a very fascinating  website

Grizzlies Replace Juice: A GM’s Descent to the Commissioner’s Lair

ATLANTIS, Realm of Neptune –  Somewhere several leagues beneath sea-level in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean, Memphis Grizzlies’ general manager Chris Wallace seeks out a man of great power. Wallace and other Griz brass had agreed to let O.J. Mayo go without making a qualifying offer and had agreed to draft a new young point guard with no intention of using the services of Agent Zero for any future missions . The Grizzlies front office knew it needed more to fill the O.J. Mayo shaped hole in their roster.  Wallace had found himself at a loss during the early stages of free agency, as he could not make Memphis as alluring to new agents as Los Angeles, New York City, or Miami.  He craved a new advantage. He needed a favor. It was only a few days ago he realized he needed to do something different, maybe even desperate. During a low-key, private meeting with NBA deputy commissioner Adam Silver, it was determined that Chris Wallace would be allowed to make an appeal to the most powerful control freak on the planet: the Commish’ , David Stern.

At the conclusion of a mysterious blind-folded journey, Wallace’s submarine ported at the dastardly Commissioner’s secret lair. Upon arrival and  secure entrance,  he was lead from the luxurious aquatic vestibule down a long marble-floored corridor. At the end of  the hall, he was told by a gentleman, who bore an eerily strong resemblance to Pat Riley, to wait for Mr. Stern outside two massive mahogany doors. The Grizzlies’ GM anxiously waited by the doors and was wondering whether or not to knock when he felt an icy, soul-lessly cold breeze that made the hairs on his neck stand straight as razors- “Hello Christopher.”

“GEEZ David!” exclaimed a startled Chris Wallace. “You can’t keep creeping up on people like that someone could-”

“I’ve been expecting you,” the commissioner interrupted. “I believe we have some business to discuss. Shall we?” Stern held his evil ghastly pale wrinkly hand to a previously invisible hand sensor. The doors slowly swung open, and the Grizzlies GM cautiously followed David Stern into a spacious Victorian era library.

The room, to Wallace, was quite impressive, something of a time-warped lounge full of  fascinating antiquated relics. The high walls were adorned with innumerable artifacts and old photographs. While crossing the room, walking carefully at a couple strides behind Commissioner Stern, the Grizzlies general manager noticed the sinister figure of Stern in several of the old photographs and portraits. While glancing  in passing, Wallace noticed pictures of what appeared to be Stern  thumb-wrestling with Kim Jong Il, playing catch in a sandlot with a young Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler, smoking hookah with Saddam Hussein, high-fiving a young Patrick Ewing, playing the saxophone with President Bill Clinton, being greeted at a Chinese airport by Yao Ming wearing a SARS mask,  getting matching tattoos with Dennis Rodman, lighting a cigar for Fidel Castro, shaking his head on the set of Kazaam, playing sand polo on camel-back with Anwar Sadat, walking with the notorious Boss Tweed in Central Park, sitting at a poker table with President Warren G. Harding, and perhaps most confusingly, Wallace observed an old black and white image of a slightly younger Stern horse-back riding with former President Zachary Taylor.

Stern opened an ancient wooden cabinet on the back wall. “Care for a drink, Mr. Wallace?”  Deciding it to be the best move for his livelihood, Wallace politely declined the Commissioner’s offer. He watched as Stern grabbed a few different vials from the cabinet to pour into his ornate chalice. Of the four vials Stern selected, Wallace thought he could make out the labels of three of them to read “Cure for Cancer,” “Lazarus formula,” and “Arrogance boost for Control Freaks.” Wallace moved his focus back to the remaining  contents of  Stern’s cabinet. He studied a potion bottle that had a picture of a blonde mustache beneath the inscription “Bird Elixir.”

“Yeah, we tried using a few drops of that stuff on Wally Szczerbiak a few years back but it never really quite panned out like I had hoped,” commented Stern, who had noticed Wallace gazing at the potion. “As for the others, I take a few things that guarantee my preservation. I intend on running this league for a long long time before I relent even a smidget of control.” Stern continued, “I understand you need a big pick up in free agency this summer, and I’m glad you came to me. Although, I’m a little surprised since your franchise rejected my advice to draft James Harden in the ’09 Draft.  I arranged for you to win the number 2 overall pick in the draft lottery because I wanted to reward the Memphis fanbase for their zeal and all-around awesomeness. I am pleased to meet with you today, especially since I just learned of  Memphis’ continued excellence as an NBA television market.” 

“Thanks. Well,” replied the Griz general manager, “as you already know, we are prepared to use the full mid-level exception and even exceed the luxury tax, but I want this team in the Finals next season. I was hoping you might be able to show us the generosity you showed New Orleans when you intelligently arranged for them to draft the unibrow to bolster that franchise and the league as a whole.”

Stern adjusted himself in his money-stuffed arm chair. Stern stared back at the Griz G.M.. “I see. Mr. Wallace, as you are aware, most of the big name guards have already signed contracts with new teams. I think for the Grizzlies to sign someone who could make an immediate and drastic impact, we may need to pursue an alternative option that is a bit, well, unorthadox…”

“I’m listening,” Wallace assured.

“There are many things I have invested my time, money and power in, but like those revolutionary basketballs, the world is not yet ready for them. While we still do not feel our technology is at the point it could successfully or safely fuse O.J. Mayo and Tony Allen into one amazing player, naturally, I am certain I have the means to solve your roster problems. My crack staff of scientists and retired Bond villains  have created a special portal to a sort of parallel universe. It would allow us to go into a separate reality to retrieve fictional basketball stars, and have  them actualize in reality as we know it, playing in my NBA.”

“So kind of like in SpaceJam when cartoon characters started coming to NBA games and then some good basketball players and Shawn Bradley ventured into the cartoon universe?” asked Wallace.

“NO!” shrieked David Stern. “This is not like that! This is completely ORIGINAL and nothing like Space Jam!”

Wallace then apologized for making the obvious connection, and Stern continued.

“Mr. Wallace, I am pleased to inform you that I have carefully compiled a list of 10 fictional candidates who would make a splendid addition to the Memphis backcourt, any of whom I believe could start at shooting guard or at the very least could come off the bench to play either guard position and make a strong case for the 2012-13 Sixth Man of the Year award. For dramatic countdown list effect, I will list each potential prospect one-by-one beginning with the tenth  best prospect. And Chris, before you start imagining filling the Grizzlies’ roster with  other fictitious basketball stars from films like Juwana Man, White Men Can’t Jump, Celtic Pride, Heaven is a Playground, The 6th Man, The Air Up There, or Above the Rim, remember that I determined this list specifically with a certain type of guard in mind, that I have no value for the comedy genre, and I do not find any of the Wayans brothers particularly humorous after their slightly inaccurate portrayal of my daughters in White Chicks. Also bear in mind that the success of the NBA is due to the fact that I am always, always right about everything ever. ”

Wallace nodded, and the omnipotent Commissioner proceeded

10.)  Jimmy Chitwood, Hoosiers

“Being the basketball-involved Caucasian that you are Chris, I believe I am right to assume you are familiar with this character from the movie Hoosiers.This small-town sharpshooter was based on real-life Indiana basketball hero Bobby Plump, and he was running around picket fence screens and knocking down jump-shots from deep without the benefit of a 3-point line. He may not fare quite as well at the NBA level, but, like most heroic basketball movie characters, this movie character shot no worse than 90% for the entire season and we saw he can hit the clutch shot when it matters most so he may be a valuable pick up for the Grizzlies.”

9.)Scott Howard, Teen Wolf

“I will admit this candidate is a bit nostalgic for me as the film debuted shortly after I became commissioner and rigged my first Draft Lottery.  Also, he would make friends quickly since he looks almost identical to your mascot Griz. Scott Howard, despite being an undersized shooting guard, was an athletic guard who could really throw down slam dunks that would make shooting guards like Vince Carter or Jason Richardson envious. However, he also is known to participate in dangerous activities like doing handstands on moving vans in street-traffic, and climbing to high points to howl at the full moon. Those liabilities, coupled with the fact that his basketball talents are directly tied to a rare werewolf condition, make him the riskiest choice. But then again Chris, in what initially seemed like insane self destruction, you once traded away your only star for the rights to his little brother, late draft picks, benchwarmers and cap space, and that worked out to the tune of an NBA All-Star , Zach Randolph, and two straight playoff appearances so I won’t put it past you to take a risk and make it work for Memphis.”

 8.)  Jamal Wallace, Finding Forrester

“I admire when the league acquires a talented young basketball player who is actually literate. It is very refreshing. Jamal is not only literate, he’s  a very gifted and precocious young writer who was mentored by a Pulitzer Prize winning author who speaks like Sean Connery .  He could cover the team as a first-person beat writer. It will transform sports writing forever.  He became a bit disillusioned with basketball during his junior year of high school, but he was still a highly sought after blue chip recruit. I’ve seen the kid hit fifty straight free-throws in a film sequence that actually only showed him hitting about ten, but you get how amazing he is. Also the movie seriously downplayed when he lead his prep team to the state championship finals, but that is no small feat. If we can sit around and say Tony Wroten and Josh Selby have upside and untapped potential as Grizzlies, then we certainly can say quite a bit about Jamal’s upside.”

7.) Calvin Cambridge, Like Mike-

“In this NBA approved but otherwise atrocious film, Calvin , Little Woof Woof’s character-”

“I’m sorry to interrupt commissioner, but are you referring to Lil’ Bow-”

“I’m quite certain I’m correct as always, so it would behoove you and the entire Memphis Grizzlies franchise to not disrupt me again while I am presenting these fine options for you Mr. Wallace. As I was saying, Calvin finds a magic pair of basketball sneakers that once belonged to Michael Jordan, or an urban street pharmacist I forget, and he suddenly has the powers and abilities of a player who can dunk from the top of the key on NBA players and hit shots from anywhere on the court against NBA competition. Though the actor, Pow-Wow, who played Calvin now insists he is no longer Lil’, the fact remains that the timeless immortalized fictional character Calvin Cambridge is under five-feet tall and may have trouble defending NBA shooting guards or even YMCA rec-league point guards for that matter. But hey the, kid can play.”

6.) Lola Bunny, Space Jam

“Besides being a great PR move by signing the first ever rabbit to play in the NBA, cartoons such as Warner Brother Looney Tunes also never seem to age, so this could be a great long term investment.  Lola is clearly a gifted ball player who could hang with Michael Jordan in his prime, but by being less than 4 feet tall, Lola  may  have trouble getting her shot off against lengthy defenders in the Association and I cannot guarantee her basketball dominance in the cartoon universe will transcend the NBA game.”

5.)Sky Davis, Doug

“Clearly designed in the purple image of Air Jordan, Sky Davis could do wonders for the Griz on the court and sell millions with a new shoe deal. We know without a doubt that he is the type of classy young man with character who stops to talk and sign autographs for fans outside the mall, and would be a great off-the court factor for the franchise and the city of Memphis. One downside is we never actually see any game footage/animation from Sky Davis, so we can only assume his game is comprable to Michael Jordan’s.”
4.) Buddy, Air Bud

“Well I don’t really read the rules as much as I dictate them, but I don’t recall seeing anywhere in the NBA rule book where it explicitly states a dog can’t play in the NBA.  And try to remember the last time you watched Air Bud, do you recall that dog ever shooting less than 100% from the field or the free throw line in a basketball game?”

3.) Quincy McCall, Love and Basketball

“A phenomenal young player who spent one season at USC and then declared for the NBA draft. He basically is the original O.J. Mayo.He briefly played for the Lakers, but could not get minutes with Nick Van Exel and Eddie Jones in L.A.’s backcourt and then suffered unfortunate injuries just when it seemed he was making a break-through to establish himself as legitimate NBA regular.  Who knows how good he would have been before getting injured, so we would be careful to extract him before the point in the movie’s plot where he suffers career destroying injuries.”

2.) Butch McRae, Blue Chips

“Due to Anfernee’s limited acting abilities, Butch McRae, at least for all basketball purposes, is essentially a young Anfernee Hardaway thinly veiled in a shaky movie format.  Imagine having Penny Hardaway before the injuries, a hometown hero beloved by the city of Memphis,  teaming up with your current Grizzlies. No one could stand in their way. However there is a potential downside that even my finest fictional character retrieval technology cannot amend for, and that is the chance that something besides Butch McRae be brought back from the movie Blue Chips.  Granted Blue Chips was not a bad performance for Nick Nolte and overall not terrible, but the fact remains that that movie starred Nic Nolte and Shaq as an actor, so it might be dangerous for us to retrieve anything from that parallel universe for fear that another screen persona of Shaquille O’Neal might seep into our world. We already tolerate Shaq on television regularly trying too hard and failing to to be as funny as Charles Barkley. In my many many years on this earth, I have learned that the world and our society can be very resilient, but I am not sure any of us could endure a sequel to Kazaam or a doubling of the amount of Nick Nolte films we presently avoid.  This option would likely be the most rewarding in basketball terms for the Grizzlies and the NBA at large, but it could be far too costly in regards to the well-being of the world.

1.) Jesus Shuttlesworth, He Got Game

“We both are aware that you never stood any chance of signing Ray Allen, and I do realize he would have been the perfect piece to complete your roster. I’m sorry but you just never had a shot, the Heat are a ruthless, successful, business savvy team after my own cold heart. However, might I suggest the perfect Great Redeemer for your franchise? Jesus Shuttlesworth. What’s better than signing Ray Allen in the twilight of his career? Signing a previously fictional young player with the skills and longevity Ray Allen had in 1999. Unlike the damage Blue Chips acting could unleash on the world, acting performances from Denzel Washington, and even Rick Fox or Ray Allen, are nothing for any of us to fear. In Jesus Shuttlesworth, Spike Lee created a divine shooting guard he loved so you can rest assured he will at the most be the second coming of Michael Jordan and at the very least be as good as Allan Houston during his best years as a New York Knickerbocker.”

Very impressed by all of this, Chris wallace replied to Commissioner Stern: “These are all very intriguing options, thank you for making them available to me, Commissioner. I am nervous about making selection based on risk and potential upside, I am afterall, the general manager who chose Hasheem Thabeet over James Harden, Steph Curry, Ricky Rubio, and Tyreke Evans.  I appreciate your suggestions, but given the advanced fictional character retrieval technology at your disposal I believe I would like to take this in a different direction. Since the late Jim Varney was a personal hero to both of us I propose that the Grizzlies be able to add:

*Chris Wallace Suggests: Ernest, Slam Dunk Ernest 

“Commissioner please hear me out on this one. When Ernest is granted supreme basketball skills from the Arch Angel of Basketball, your homie Kareem Abdul-Jabar, there is nothing he can’t do on a basketball court. No shot is too far out of range for Ernest, and no pass is too errant for Ernes to finish an amazing alley-oop. Ernest single-handedly routed the entire Charlotte Hornets team before his own team mates got upset with him being such a ball hog.  People would be lining up around the FedExForum for days to buy a ticket to watch Slam Dunk Ernest play with Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph. Don’t you think so Commissioner?”

David Stern seemed to ponder this option momentarily, then shot back at the Grizzlies’ GM. “Nah, I don’t really like it Chris.  Simply because it is not my own idea, I fail to see how it could ever be a good idea. I’m a little embarrassed that idea did not occur to me since Slam Dunk Ernest is my all time favorite movie, so all the more reason for me to reject your obviously good idea.  That is how I roll. While this is a great option, maybe the best option, I  am going to promptly shoot it down and reiterate that you must stick to the options I gave you or recieve no assistance at all from me.”

“But Commissioner please. I respect your options, they are great options, but I implore you to please consider this Slam Dunk Ernest option and how he the Grizzlies and the entire entertainment world would improve because of what you can do. You can take all the credit,   Slam Dunk Earnest would be a win for us both.”

Stern: “That’s assuming I still want to help you. Chances are excellent I’ve changed my mind by now.”

Wallace: “But there’s still a ‘chance’ you would still help me right?”

[Stern shakes his head]

Wallace: “How can you be so… so obtuse?

Stern: “What? What did you call me?”

Wallace: “Obtuse. Is it deliberate?”

Stern: “Son. You’re forgetting yourself.”

Wallace: “The NBA could sell his basketball trading cards. He’ll break records. We could sell jerseys with his name on them. Sir, if I ever get out of this league, I’d never say what happens here, I’d be just as indictable as you are for the NBA Draft Lottery conspiracies-”

[Stern slaps the table]

Stern: “Don’t you ever mention the Draft Lottery to me again, you sorry son of a me! Not in this underwater evil lair, not anywhere!!!”

Wallace: ” I was just trying to rest your mind at ease, that’s all.”

Stern: “Not only will I not assist you, I’ll make sure Rudy Gay does not make the Olympic team. Even though he played well on the team that won the FIBA world championship in 2010, I will replace him on the Olympic team with two less talented players at his position: Andre Igudala, and better yet, a player who did not even get invited to the initial Olympic team tryouts, a player who you passed up in the draft because you wante Hasheem Thabust, JAMES HARDEN will win a gold medal while Rudy Gay watches on TV and Marc Gasol settles with a Silver.”

[Wallace being escorted out of the room by two of Stern’s evil henchmen]

Wallace: “What’s the matter with you? It’s my chance to get to the Finals, don’t you see that? It’s my team! Don’t you understand it’s my team?!?”

Stern: “Being the benevolent brilliant man I am, I will advise you to leave now. You may leave in my submarine rather than swimming back to North America. It’s very kind of me, or perhaps I am being ‘obtuse?'”

David Stern, age 53

photo used without permission from Shawshank Prison/Stern Family Archives

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When Chris Wallace arrived back on dry land, he emailed Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins, expressing his great hope for the upcoming  season. Hollins was not really interested in reading any half-brained thing Chris Wallace had written, but finding himself bored at his computer he read on: “…Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies…I hope the Grizzlies win the championship next year. I hope the trophy is as shiny as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

Hope springs eternal

Grizzlies Part Ways with Juice

Under Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins,  O.J. Mayo was charged with the tall order of being a scoring guard who could defend both guard positions and play significant minutes running the point. Though not for lack of effort, Mayo, an extremely talented but undersized shooting guard, was never able to establish himself as an elite scorer of Kobe Bryant or Dwayne Wade proportion, and he never quite seemed to be able to provide the steady play at point guard the Griz needed to relieve Mike Conley, Jr. While, financially, allowing O.J. Mayo to drift away into the sea of unrestricted free agency is the best move for the Grizzlies and possibly the best career move for Mayo, the end of this era does not undermine the four great seasons “Juice” spent in Memphis helping the Grizzlies rise to league prominence.

At his best, Juice certainly proved to be a gifted scorer who could excell on fast-breaks, consistently defend well, make his free-throws, attack off the dribble, create his own shot, hit clutch shots, and really clutch shots, and during a close game with a nearly full shot-clock, he could pull up for a jumper from several steps behind the 3-point arc and sink it with unwavering confidence. In the 2011 NBA playoffs series against the Spurs and the Thunder, Mayo had such great performances that you could  almost defend the Grizzlies’ decision to end up with O.J. in the 2008 Draft rather than proven all-stars Kevin Love(traded by Griz) and Russel Westbrook (still available when Memphis picked). Almost.  Then last season in the playoffs we saw glimpses of Mayo’s scoring ability and clutch shooting, but we saw many more instances of him barely beating the 8-second violation when bringing the ball up, and then struggling to initiate the Grizzlies offense or find his own shot while Mike Conley was on the bench in foul trouble.  It became evident that while Mayo had established himself as a valuable asset, the Grizzlies could not afford to keep together their core of Conley, Z-Bo, Marc Gasol and Rudy Gay and then also pay Mayo the money he is due to make with his next contract. We do not yet know what uniform Mayo will sport next year, but sadly it wont be the three shades of blue of the Memphis Grizzlies.

In a perfect universe for the Grizzlies, using a DragonBall Z style fusion, Lionel Hollins and Chris Wallace would be able to fuse together the scoring abilities of O.J. Mayo with the size, athleticism, and intangibles of Tony Allen to create one Super 2 Guard for the salary and roster space of one player, and still have cap space to pursue the back-up point guard the Griz need and/or another shooter. For some reason the Grizzlies have neglected to investigate the possibility of fusion. Meanwhile Ray Allen, who would have been the perfect fit to instantly make the Grizzlies a championship contender by improving the Grizzlies’ 3-point shooting, never seriously considered signing in Memphis and has been claimed by the Evil Empire in Miami. So now, rumor* has it, Grizzlies general manager Chris Wallace has taken bizarre, expensive, and dangerous measures to improve the Griz by approaching the Don himself…

Cliff-hanger: see the sequel to this post, Replacing Juice: Descent to the Commissioner’s Lair 

*=that I fabricated and started

Steve Nash: Joining the Dark Side, or Improving the Quality of the Entire League?

 LOS ANGELES, or anywhere but MIAMI-   Before obeying the natural human instinct  to lament or scorn the successful acquisition of Steve Nash by the freakin Lakers, everyone -perhaps even Phoenix Suns fans and their broken hearts- can take solace in the fact Nash did not take his talents to the Evil Empire in South Beach. The Heat are too loaded as it is and already have a solid point guard in Mario Chalmers at about one-fifth Steve Nash’s age. Also, it appears that David Stern, the invisible hand that guides, gropes or smacks down all transactions in the NBA, has bigger plans than a Nash-in-Miami scenario and there are not any fiscal reasons to dread Steve Nash joining the Lakers.

There once was a time when the Lakers were THE MAN. Loved by their many fair-weather fans nation wide, hated by most other teams’ fans and various respectable human beings. They regularly appeared in the playoffs and the Finals and won almost effortlessly no matter how much Frobe and Shaq hated each other, or how much better the 2002 Kings were than the Lakers. When Jerry West was allowed by His Majesty David Stern to run the table for Los Angeles, he lured Shaq away from Penny Hardaway and Orlando simply with the prospect of filming Kazaam and a stale dough-nut, tricked the Charlotte Hornets into trading away 17 year-old Kobe Bryant in an exchange similar to how the Dutch acquired Manhattan from natives (Vlade Divac was a good center and a great passer for a big man, but in a trade for Kobe, he’s the dinky Dutch coins in the analogy), secured perhaps the greatest coach in NBA history and his triangle offense, and bought the contract of any overpaid player they wanted and ruled the league for years.

 The real reason boomboxes and cassette tapes went out of style in the late 90’s is because people were too afraid that Shaq would appear and do something awful like start trying to rap again. –the makers of Kazaam

      The LA bodies of fresh water are only a couple years removed from their last title and are still loaded with talent around Kobe, but a couple months ago they found themselves to be no better than fourth or fifth best team in their own conference during this year’s playoffs. That still wont make them sympathetic to anyone or worthy of Nash, but the Lakers are no longer the NBA’s Yankees.  Now the league has to answer to a team formed by championship chasing collusion; A team so loaded with superstar talent and bargain veteran ring chasers, it all but abolished the need for a head coach. The Heat finally squashed their critics, meaning those who prefer justice in the NBA and “haters” alike, by capturing the NBA title many decent people hoped would elude LebRogaine James forever.

 

.      Nothing could stop the Heat in the playoffs: Chicago’s loss was their gain, they overcame the wise, elderly, senior partners from the Boston firm, and then bested the up and coming hotshots from the firm in OKC (a firm that picked off its roster from a distinguished Seattle firm who had originally signed young talent fresh from acing their Bar exams, but enough with the crap-awful lawyer analogy) and the Heat already seemed poised to do it again immediately after the trophy ceremony/mass-booing of Stuart Scott and David Stern. How often does a team win it all on only their second attempt at a title and we can say they “finally” met expectations? In unnecessary response to that seemingly rhetorical question, not very often. It is not very often that a team assembles with a roster overhaul so quickly with such a vile amount of talent from its superstars, and supporting talent from its former Memphis Grizzlies players. Thank goodness Steve Nash did not add to that massive talent pool and make it even harder next year for a team to usurp the current champs. If something as dull as Canadian origins prevents the US Olympic team from getting its hands on Nash’s point-guardly prowess, then no way is it ok for Miami to snatch him up to be the next ’06 Heat Gary Payton, as a former star, veteran point guard in his late thirties that helps win in a reduced role.  That would be annoying and frustrating for all because Nash is still putting up amazing numbers in his late 30’s, shooting a career best 53% last season.  As a supporter of the Griz, another western-conference team hoping to become a title contender,  I can’t say that this is an ideal scenario or that I’m excited that Steve Nash landed with the Lakers, but I can easily provide a 3 prong response as to why this is a great for the NBA. It benefits Steve Nash’s already impressive NBA career, the Los Angeles Lakers franchise (duh who cares?), and ultimately, the entire league.

Why this is Good for Steve Nash:

         Nash told members of the media that, for him, the decision of Los Angeles was ideal because it will allow him to be near his three children in Phoenix, and it will afford him opportunities for championships.  Hard to argue with an athlete who tops his priority list with family, and then winning titles. Nash missed out on championships with some very talented Suns teams, and Mavericks teams. Nash himself has watched with a bloody face from the sidelines while his team was defeated in the Western Conference Finals. He has seen Amare and Joe Johnson suspended or hurt when the team almost made it to the Finals without their all-star post player or shooter. In Los Angeles Steve Nash will be bringing the ball up court and setting up plays for the most talented supporting cast he has seen since  Amare, Shawn Marion, and Joe Johnson in those high-scoring Suns squads, and even more talented than the young Mavericks team that won 60 games behind the trio of Nash, Michael Finley, and Dirk Nowitzki.

 While Nash’s performance has not declined with his play, he still likely only has a couple more seasons left in the tank pending a slow Farve-like exit from the game. No one blames Nash for his decision because, as far as we know, he made it with his family in mind, with integrity,dignity and class, and no televised decisions. He did more for the Suns franchis than anyone has in the last decade. He played inspiring basketball and gave Phoenix 8 good seasons, 2 of them MVP perfomances, while playing every single one of those games as though he were in the Finals. However, for the last couple seasons it has seemed the Suns have been moving more towards rebuilding through young talent than moving towards the Finals or even the playoffs for that matter. Many in Phoenix will be sad to see him go, but they should not be dissatisfied with the effort and entertainment he gave them every time he laced up his WNBA sized basketball sneakers. Rather than jumping into the depths of the roster of the determined-to-repeat Heat, he will make LA a contender instantly.

Why this is Good for the Lakers:

        Acquiring Steve Nash is the greatest move the Lakers have made since relocating with George Mikan from Minneapolis. It’s such a great addition it almost assuages the pain Lakers faithful endured when Luke Walton was dealt away.  The Lakers recognize Nash is a rare-breed of basketball player who is both a sensationally gifted passer and shooting threat  to help facilitate his team mates’ offense so well that he can make even the scrubbiest of bench-warming scrubs look good with an assist here or there. Imagine how that play-making ability will complement the likes of Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum, and possibly Pau Gasol should the Lakers retain his services.

He will fill an extremely valuable need for the Lakers, that they tried and failed to fill with Chris Paul, and most recently attempted to correct with Raymond Sessions to little avail. The Lakers have known for a while how badly they need to improve at point guard, as this is simultaneously their only true weakness at any position, and the position that can help Kobe the most by assisting with the back-court duties.  Seriously, other than Derek Fisher, try to name  the starting point guards the Lakers have had since Magic Johnson retired. It would be like trying to list the quarterbacks the Browns have tried starting since Tim Couch.  Nick Van Exel, who was actually a team mate of Magic’s during his brief HIV positive comeback, is the only all-star caliber point guard in nearly 20 years. It’s incredibly difficult to try to recall the other starters because even the starting point guards, like Derek Fisher, have been less talented floor generals that would have been useful on any roster but certainly back-ups on most, like that time a starting point guard named Smush was the nubmer 2 scoring option during the worst year of Kobe’s career?  When Phil Jackson was orchestrating his triangle offense with Kobe and Shaq, or Kobe and Odom and Gasol, all he needed at the point guard was a consistent but average facilitator who could help run the offense and hit the occasional wide open jump shot, like an aging Ron Harper leftover from Jackson’s Bulls legacy*.   They didn’t have to go for the most talented PG, they just needed someone who fit the system and could tolerate Kobe.

 

Nick Van Exel running the point beautifully

         Kobe is still somewhere in the top four most talented players in the league depending on what night, but he can be a bit of an entitled spoiled brat at times who pouts, becomes visibly angry with his own team mates and coach, and spends too much time working the officials instead of getting back on defense. Kobe likes to be the main guy who has the ball at crucial possessions and crunch time, but he is also like your office/workplace martyr who clearly shows how upset he/she is about doing so much work, yet insists on doing that amount of work and refuses to delegate or share the workload with others when offered, seemingly to choose having a justified chip on the shoulder rather than collective success. With Nash, Kobe will have a very talented backcourt mate he can trust to share the work load with and view him as equal, as much as Kobe can view another human as equal to himself. Bryant is smart enough to realize that Nash will make Kobe’s job easier and his team mates better by creating opportunities for them. Kobe can hit a turn around jumper with two defenders in his face, but hopefully he wont have to with Steve Nash on the floor with him.

Charming, I guess.

Nash is  the kind of leader and positive energy force that can really bolster the attitude and culture of the team and should Gasol still be around, he might have the most to gain as his confidence and mojo would be fully reinstated after receiving some great entry passes to the post and no-looks while he is open under the basket.There really are not too many players whose game would not be complemented by Nash’s style of play.  It also seems likely that after having the opportunity to spend a complete summer and a full training camp preparing and adjusting, this squad could really soar (cheesiest verb choice possible?) under Mike Brown.

 

Also we can’t forget what it will be like for Nash to become part of the Hollywood Buzz that surrounds the Lakers. Both regular faces in the NBA for what seems like eons, Old timers Jack Nicholson and Steve Nash will enjoy in-game opportunities to reminisce about the roaring good times and red rum they shared at ballroom parties during the prohibition era.

 .

Why this is Good for the entire NBA:

 .        For the loyal devotees/very bored few of you who have also stumbled upon my first and second  posts about draft conspiracies, you know as well as I do that there is only one true general manager in the NBA, one great and almighty puppeteer who arranged for all of this to happen:

(photo from Clutchfans.net)

Unfortunately and unfairly for Commisioner David Stern, the questionable bully tactics or inhumane actions of many of his peers -Chavez, Mussolini, Castro, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Qadaffi, Disney- have really earned a bad rap for terms like “dictator”or “NBA commissioner”. Understandably for many basketball peasants like us, Stern nixing last season’s proposed trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers and Pau Gasol to the Rockets may have seemed like an unfair denial from a shrewd totalitarian who couldn’t relinquish even a Spud Webb-sized modicum of his control and power. But if you think that, you are really doubting the planning and strategy of the Master and Commander, and failing to see the benevolence that pervades Stern’s totalitarianism. He knew that last year if Chris Paul went to the Clippers rather than the Lakers, it would mean having two successful playoff teams in the league’s most profitable large market city with double the payout. Love them or hate them, the Lakers carry the league financially in television and media, merchandise, and ticket sales not only in Los Angeles but in every city. With Steve Nash on a roster with Kobe, Andrew Bynum, the artist formerly known as Artest, and maybe Gasol, ole Dave D-Money Stern knows perfectly well that this amped-up Lakers team will sell out games from Toronto to Cleveland to Washington D.C. I can vividly remember seeing full page ads, by the Memphis Grizzlies when they were at their worst, in the Commercial Appeal sports section attempting to market other team’s visiting superstars like Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’neal, Tracy McGrady, and Allen Iverson to sell tickets. And it worked. The grizzlies could be 40 games out of 1st place in the conference, but they were going to have a sellout crowd on hand for when the leagues best visited the Bluff City. Like the Heat in their first season with Lebron, D-Wade and Dinosaur Jr Bosh, every team’s fanbase is going to turn out in droves in hopes of seeing their team beat a Lakers team that has assembled a seemingly unfair amount of talent, and also simply to see Steve Nash put on show with all of those capable co-stars. I know when the Grizzlies take on the Steve Nash edition of the Lakers I want to be there and see Memphis come out on top, preferably with Marc Gasol dunking on Pau Gasol.

“STEVE NASH!”

*= P.S. while Scotty Pippen and MJ and I guess even Luc Longley were too cool for school, Bulls point guard Ron Harper made childhood good when he guest starred on Kenan and Kel, which was supposed to be set in Chicago. Besides, Harper is more Nickelodian appropriate than Rodman.

The NBA Draft: The Association Conspiracies Part Too

NEW YORK, New York–  Long rumored to have concocted financially beneficial subterfuges and rigging which teams won the NBA Draft Lottery, the Association in recent years has been accused of fixing the lottery so that Lebron James, from Akron Ohio, would end up on the Cleveland Cavs to help a suffering franchise tremendously, and ultimately improve the league by having a regional superstar bolster one of the leagues small market franchises.  Then in 2008 the ailing Bulls landed Chicago native and future MVP Derrick Rose with the top pick in the draft. Was this another coincidence of  hometown hero good fortune, or was it once again the slight of David Stern’s pale twisted wrinkly over-shaken hand ?

            Then again more recently, it was suspected that, after moving the beloved Super Sonics to Oklahoma City from Seattle, in similar fashion to the Cavs and Bulls conspiracy theories, the NBA would have it arranged so that OKC would get the top pick in the 2009 Draft, or to Grizzlies fans simply the regretful Thabust draft,  to take University of Oklahoma phenom Blake Griffin. However, the ping-pong balls had it that the Clippers would win the top pick, and the Clippers drafted the unanimous top talent Blake Griffin. It would seem the Clippers winning Blake Griffin in the draft lottery put the 2009 draft conspiracy to rest.  As for the keeping-Lebron-in-Ohio conspiracy, does a conspiracy even matter if it does not work after being sabotaged by the player himself? To truly understand an NBA Draft Lottery conspiracy, we need to start with the granddaddy of them all…

     The earliest NBA draft conspiracy theory  is 1985’s infamous Frozen Envelope theory, which attempted to explain how the tremendously talented center from Georgetown landed in the Big Apple to instantly sell more tickets at basketball’s Mecca, Madison Square Garden, and reawaken a historic basketball city.

Yep.Mike got the best of Patrick a few times

      Ok you can try to read up on it at wikipedia like a true baller scholar, but I will provide a quick mildly coherent rundown of how the first ever draft lottery was intended to be conducted and what transpired.  Teams in the draft lottery had identical envelopes with each team’s unique logo enclosed inside their envelope, and all envelopes place in a giant tumbler. Basically a giant version of drawing teams names out of a hat. CONSPIRACY ALERT: Supposedly the New York Knicks’ envelope had been arranged to be placed in a freezer before hand so that the The commissioner would go through and pick envelopes for draft spots by envelope selection, with the first 2 chosen envelopes to be open and revealed last to dramatically unveil the #1 top pick in the upcoming draft. If  you watch this old video (video of draft lottery) closely, you have to seriously consider the argument that the envelope drawn is frozen, as it is actually possible for someone to gauge the temperature of envelopes merely by looking at a video online. Flawless logic. It can also be clearly seen by the trained eye at 0:45 in the video that David Stern absolutely had to have brought the envelope in from his own home freezer. Watch carefully at the 1:44 mark as he brushes off what may appear to be at first glance mere indistinguishable dust or perhaps simple paper debris. However, to the watchful well-trained eye of a college student or a lower-middle class American parent, it is evident that Stern in fact wipes and gathers on his finger a small residue of a substance that is undoubtedly and unmistakably the residue of freezer-burnt pizza roll crumbs, and small pieces of a frozen Snickers candy bar (*In those days Stern was famous for eating 6 square meals a day consisting of pizza rolls and Snickers candy bars from his freezer). To completely affirm this, the commissioner can be seen pausing to lick the delicious Pizza Roll crumbs and motes of Snickers off his finger later at the 3:57 mark in the video. Always in control of everything, that hungry scoundrel.

 

“You run a tight Ship, but this is how I would do it.”

        Sadly for Patrick and present-day Snickers consumer Ryan  the great center Ewing never won a title during an otherwise great career that saw him play every meaningful game of his prime as a New York Knickerbocker *{yeah pat was drafted so long ago, that many of his rookie cards read “New York Knickerbockers”}. Meanwhile, Lebron has certainly proven that he can still (with utmost grace, modesty,  humility, and sensitivity to the already beleaguered fans of Cleveland pro sports) totally abandon a team even if the league conspires to have him drafted by it. As for the D-Rose to the Bulls conspiracy, we found out this season that there is not much a draft conspiracy can do for the Bulls once Rose gets injured in the playoffs.  In sloppy conclusion, there remains no mystery as to whether or not the NBA has conspired to rig the draft: it has. Every single time. Every pick. Ever.  However, there are questions still to be answered in regards to the effectiveness of  the draft conspiracies.

 “I had a good career, played  with and won a Gold Medal with the Original dream team, made  John Starks and Charles Oakley look good, but I would trade all the Snickers bars in the world for another shot at a NBA championship….well I would give up some of the Snickers in the world for another shot at the championship…Ok I would really really love to go back to The Finals and win, but I might only give up one of those little fun size snickers bars that I buy for trick-or-treaters every Halloween. Except… I usually end up eating them before the first kid sets foot on my porch… actually I usually down the entire bag before I roll out of the Walgreens parking lot where I bought ’em…but you know what, my greatest dream was to win the NBA Finals so I would definitely, yeah for sure, I would give up some of the un-licked wrappers from my already-eaten fun size snickers bars in order to have a chance to fulfill my biggest career goal of winning it all .” –Patrick Ewing

Fun Fact: whether or not you accept the conspiracy about the Knickerbockers’ 1985 draft selection, you will do very well in any carnation of NBA Jam on any platform if you select Patrick Ewing as your player, especially when paired with John Starks.

The NBA Draft: The Association Conspiracies

PORTLAND,  Oregon-  Many like to grade the draft, and over the last few days many people have rated, critiqued and analyzed the biggest winners and losers of the draft. But unless you are grading a draft from 2010 or earlier, of players who have had a chance to prove themselves, you are making clueless speculation like an NBA palm reader. Not one of the rookies from the 2012 draft class has taken a single dribble (or a single step, then a dribble, then three more steps as is one of the custom forms of dribbling in the Association) in an NBA game or even a meaningless summer league game. Yet several draft picks have already been tapped as the greatest steal of the draft or the biggest bust of the draft. To be clear, clueless speculation is a fun part of sports and the 100% reason why many “analysts” have television jobs. Instead of trying to blindly peer into the future by rating this draft of players with unknown “upside” and “potential,” and since I can’t hop in with Doc and take a ride to see how well they are playing in 2015, I wanted to discuss something incredibly credible with rock-solid legitamcy: NBA Draft Conspiracies. Now let us turn back the clock to 1984…

In a parallel NBA universe, the Blazers drafted MJ, went on to have the greatest bald trio in sports history with Jordan, Clyde Drexler, and Terry Porter

     Why would the Portland Trailblazers take Sam Bowie, the moniker given to the large sturdy over-sized file cabinet the Blazers selected,  ahead of Michael Jordan? There were actually several reasons for this, most of which are largely unknown to the public, and all of them point to conspiracy. We can start with the basic cover-up excuses.  Portland already had a proven balding young superstar at shooting guard in Clyde Drexler, and Trailblazer team personnel were not comfortable drafting Jordan due to several factors including 1) he seemed like a bit of a ball hog when he was 15, 2) though he was thought to have tremendous upside,  he did not have the experience or maturity of someone who played twenty-seven years of college ball 3) that whole always sticking his tongue thing made players on the Blazers’ roster uncomfortable, especially after several players at pre-draft workouts complained of being inadvertently licked by Jordan’s tongue several hundred times during various drills.

 “I triple-dog dare you to find someone who spent a longer amount of time than I did on doing such a poor photoshop job”-me

      While those are all extremely valid and truthful points, the real reason for letting MJ fall to the Bulls in the draft was a secret agreement between that old swindler David Stern, and the Portland and Chicago franchises. The Blazers and the Association allowed Jordan to go to the Bulls in exchange that the Blazers be compensated in the following ways: 1) receive all of Michael Jordan’s hair follicles for life, 2) receive a portion of Jordan’s gatorade-nike drinkable shoe product profits 3) a portion of Michael Jordan’s frequent gambling earnings 4) following the release of the Bulls vs. Blazers video game, Portland would receive majority profits, and MJ would also go on hiatus from being featured in any video games for a stretch of several years in the 90’s 5) that no one from the Trailblazers roster ever have his powers drained by the Monstars during the filming of Jordan’s biographical documentary, 6) That Jordan successfully pull off the hitler mustache look in a future Hanes undershirt commercial.    As a result of the secret mega-agreement, the Blazers ownership and Stern became very very rich riding the tidal wave of Jordan’s success. As for how well this turned out for the larger Portland franchise,  Jordan meet all of the aforementioned conditions of the deal, and additionally, the file cabinet drafted by Portland never had a gambling addiction, and therefore unlike Jordan, never had to rehab from its gambling addiction for two years under the guise of a pathetic minor league baseball career.

1 of 2, to be continued…. New York edition coming soon

90’s NBA Snap-Back Hats: The Griz Edition

       If you don’t like the combination of teal, brown, red and Canadian failure, you would have trouble trying to find a visually impressive “retro” Grizzlies hat.  For a team that has only been around since 1995, even the oldest hat or piece of weird promotional memorabilia ebay sellers pass off as “retro” Vancouver Grizzlies would not be old enough to drive a car until this November.   I appreciate that for the early 90’s inspired Adidas 2012 NBA Draft hats, similar cool hats were made for all franchises, even ones that were non-existent in 1990. While the Vancouver Grizzlies were around during the height of the odd popularity of sometimes briefly cool but mainly ridiculous, huge, bizarre NBA graphics, the squad did not upgrade to Memphis until 2001 when uniforms had assimilated to sports normalcy. Currently only an 11 year old franchise after relocation, the Grizzlies really don’t have as much to offer in the category of throwbacks as they do throwaways.

 Nice, right?

So it is nice to finally have a (faux-)retro hat, thanks to the Grizzlies’ lone draft pick, at 25th overall out of Washington, Tony Wroten Jr, justifying the sale of Grizzlies draft caps.  Hardly anything Memphis Grizzlies-branded qualifies to be a Hardwood Classic or any sort of neat retro collectable. Though it is a blatant crime of extreme injustice and disparity, the store on NBA.com  does not carry a considerable amount of retro Grizzlies merchandise featuring Bryant Reeves, Otis Thorpe or Brian Cardinal, which is extremely disproportionate when compared to the the profitable mountains of nostalgic Larry Bird Celtics merchandise or Magic Johnson Lakers merchandise. Why should only historically great teams that are actually old enough to reminisce and actually have something to fondly reminisce over be the only teams that get to reminisce over their past?

We can joke about how absurd these uniforms looked, but my goodness, there are few things I would not do for this retro-amazing Greg Anthony jersey and team shorts.

 It may be 15 years late, but thanks to the adidas Draft cap, the Grizzlies finally have a nice looking 90’s-style adjustable snap-back hat, at least to my satisfaction if no one else’s.  However, what the Grizzlies don’t yet have, despite being one of the most successful teams in the league for the past two seasons, is one of the NBA + Marvel Comics Hero hats. While this one is not quite as obvious as Gambit for the New Orleans Hornets, there is a perfect Marvel Hero for the Grizz:

WOLVERINE for so many reasons, oh so many wonderful reasons, and here we go:

1)Wolverine, like the Memphis Grizzlies franchise, originates from Canada and later enjoyed greater success in the U.S.

2) Like the Griz, Wolverine has good weapons for the offensive attack and is always bringin’ it with  a tough aggressive grit-and-grind attitude, bub

3) Snarly tough approach may ruffle some feathers, but,  my,  is it effective!

4) The Grizzlies secondary logo features a fierce Grizzly claw with a basketball, it would be an easy transition to adopt Wolverine’s powerful be-clawed hand clutching/crushing a basketball

5) Wolverine Rocks. Memphis Rocks….yeah whatever, I really wanted to have 7 reasons here

6)Wolverine already has his own basketball kicks and jersey

7)Color scheme works. Blue and yellow clad Wolverine could easily complement the Griz on a snap-back hat with their yellow and blue logos.

      The Griz really need to jump on this before some other team with blue & yellow like the warriors or nuggets or pacers claim him. Upon a little further excessively pointless yet logical review, we might arrive at a misconlclusion* that U of Michigan should also strike up a deal with Marvel and adopt Wolverine as the official mascot for all sports, especially football. At first this seems like an awesome idea, but we know what Nike would do next to ruin everything. Seeing this cool new X-men logo and mascot, Nike would jump at the chance to hook-up Michigan with new state-of-the barf uniforms. As usual, they would unleash some football uniform atrocity through the standard Nike pro-combat uniform design process of collaborating with the costume designer from Tron and the costume designer from CATS the musical for yet another futuristic and flamboyantly multi-gendered appearance for the gridiron athletes.

*= Nope. Not a word. Would not even serve any practical purpose of the word since the prefix completely contradicts the essence of the root word conclusion. But since sometimes we arrive at false conclusions after using seemingly rational logic, and since anyone of us playing a game of Words with Friends on my wife’s smart phone would try to play “misconclusion” if Conclusion was already on the board and you had the letters m, i and s and could get a triple points by somehow adding three letters to the front of the word and wonder if it somehow could work, we arrive at the conclusion, or anti-mis-conclusion, that you must try the word’s legitimacy in Words with Friends and you might even try slipping it in a nerdy blog/rant related to basketball because you are already shooting way over the vocabulary and literacy levels of most professional basketball players and  have too little cohesion even for someone not easily offended by coma splices, run-ons or wordy sentence fragments in long rambling rants whose footnotes/footnovels occasionally exceed the length of the actual blog posts.)

**= I have no evidence that Nike pro combat collaborated with CATS Musical costume designers, but simply by viewing the fabulously eccentric, gender-defying uniform designs over the past few years the evidence is both obvious and overwhelming. Looking at you Oregon.

Rebirth: Early 90’s Adjustable Snap-back Hats and Marvel Heroes (post 1 of 2)

        These hats would like to give an admonishment like that which LL Cool J gave haters in the early 90s: don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for YEARS. The early 90’s snap-back adjustable hats would also like to point out that back in their day,  the only person who dressed like Russell Westbrook was a lovable character on the show Family Matters. So with that word from the hats themselves, let’s look to the The Explosive Reemergence of NBA snap back hats… Is this due to heavy hipster influence (see Westbrook or Coach Van Ornery) or because the NBA, like me, 1) has an appreciation for cool hats and 2) is nostalgic for some 90s era NBA?

        

During the decade following the NBA’s Magic-Bird  glory days, the NBA was a place for dynamic duos (post coming soon dedicated to those duos) that were perfect for NBA Jam or NBA Hangtime, a place for Run TMC to light up the scoreboard with no regard for defense, a place for assembling the Dream Team , a place where centers were not automatically the 5th option on offense but instead ruled the court, but also a place where center Bryant Big Country Reeves  was still welcome to be a big teal starter in a foreign country.

 

       The NBA mainly intends for 90s snap-back hats to be reminiscent of the legacy of the one man, His Airness, who manufactured 6 titles and the greatest movie of that decade* and can be seen above with the awesome trophy that is the snap-back hat on his brow, and also some less impressive hardware he got for doing well in the NBA Finals . Below are some of the newer clearly 90s inspired Snap-back hats.

 

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       So something very cool, and I mean cool in the nerdiest sense of the word,  about the recent line of hats is that the NBA is totally down with rockin out with Marvel Comics Superheros. Check out a couple below Washington Wizards hat, and Orlando Magic Thor hat.

 

   This makes perfect sense to me since the era of the NBA snapback hat was also the point in my young life when I loved Marvel superheros and used to fill my Saturday mornings with Xmen and the Amazing Spider-man cartoons (both currently available on Netflix streaming). Although pretty much every superhero-incorporated NBA hat is great, some make more sense than others. For instance the team in our nation’s capital, the Wizards, and the team whose name is a reference to Ameirca’s independence, the 76ers, both have hats featuring Captain America.  Thor seems like a stretch for the Magic, but unfortunately the obvious choice for the Magic is a DC comic book hero, and we are not sure how long Dwight wants to be in Orlando anyway.

              Some of them are confusing pairings. The one that really needs a petition for change is the New Orleans Hornets, but not for lack of coolness. As if it is not enough that New Orleans gets to merchandise cool semi-retro Muggsy Bouges/LJ/Zo era Charlotte Hornets snap-back hats, they also are selling a hat that couples their logo with  one of Marvel’s most beloved superheros: Toby McGuire.

 Ok I understand that new Hornet Anthony Davis has super basketball skills and swatting reflexes that have been compared to Spider-Man’s super-human abilities. I don’t understand why they forced everyone’s favorite web-slinger into a Mardi Gras Purple, Teal, and Gold color scheme. Why? Why Spidey Why??? (Although now that I think about it, Venom would be an awesome superhero to pair with the Brooklin Nets’ new “anti-nba” image).  The main reason Spider-Man tagged to the Hornets does not work is because of the huge oversight of not choosing the Super Hero best suited for the franchise. The Hornets and the hat designers must know,  there exists a superhero who is absolutely perfect for representing New Orleans. He is one of the most awesome if not the most awesome and underrated Marvel Super Hero of the early 90’s , not to mention a good fighter choice in XMEN 2  and is the best (and only?) Cajun super hero of all-time:

Gambit is your man New Orleans! I know Spidey has a new serious dark movie coming up and everything, but screw that nerd Peter Parker. Hornets should be cashing in on their awesome connection to Gambit instead. And also, as it turns out, Gambit happens to be a BALLER. (check at 2:30 mark thru end of video)

Hope you enjoyed, Stay Tuned for Part 2 of this, the Griz/Wolverine edition.

*=I realize that Tom Hanks could single-handedly debunk my superlative claim for Space Jam, just using his own resume from that decade, but I feel fairly confident that if I had to choose between seeing a new movie that came out tomorrow featuring the combination of MJ, Muggsy Bouges, Seinfeld’s Newman,Yosemite Sam and Bill Murray that may or may not even be a sequel to Space Jam,  or a new movie with the rehashed combination of Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, I’m picking the one with Bill Murray**

**= Also if it has Bill Murray, then we know it is directed and written by Wes Anderson meaning it will be a wonderful film with a great  eclectic soundtrack and a plot that includes a complicated relationship between a father and  a son in which the father will somehow redeem himself in the end with a great happy ending.

NBA Draft 2012: Year of the Unibrowed Grandmamma

Now upon us is the NBA’s annual draft. Every year a new group of young, lanky, ostrich-legged, Hoop dreamers and NBA hopefuls walk across the stage to shake  hands with the commissioner to attain their dream of embarking on an NBA career. Just so you can fully visulize the beauty of draft hopefulness and draft spirit, check out past super duper fly GQ draft-day threads of Jalen Rose (below) and Joakim Noah (below the barrage of early 90s pin-stripes ).

The Draft creates a perfect occasion for basketball pessimists and optimists alike. Teams that have been terrible, for at least a season, have a chance to improve by snagging the guy that could lead the the team to years of future success. You can hope madly for your team to draft a certain guy, or dread that they pick a certain guy, without actually having any concrete evidence as to which one of those players will turn out great or who will be the next major bust. Sometimes it seems a blind gamble. Non-lottery teams that have later draft picks can relax because they have been victorious enough that they are not at risk of becoming the next notorious team to blow an early selection on Sam Bowie while MJ and other Dream Teamers still on the board, or  the next team to pick Darko Milicik 58 picks too soon while Carmello Anthony, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh are still on the board.  Every year  a team or two drafts a total bust with a high pick, while still several more teams also pick young “projects” that supposedly have tremendous potential and upside but never pan out.  Every year a couple teams snag future all-stars that slip being selected until  late in the first round or even second round. Every year a couple players who came out of college too soon fall into the second round, miss out on the guaranteed contract that they likely would have been able to capture had they played one more year in college, but instead find themselves battling through summer league and training camp just to make the final cut of someone’s roster. Hopefully former Memphis Tiger star Will Barton does not slip into the second round, but even so, he will be valuable to some team for years to come.

          Ok so we can make a billion draft boards and even try to anticipate trades, but we still do not know exactly which teams will do what. However, we do know a few certainties for sure going into the draft. Thankfully, we know it is impossible for the Grizzlies to re-draft Hasheem Thabeet  while James Harden, Ricky Rubio, Tyreke Evans, and Steph Curry are still on the board. Still hurts.

                   Most of what we know for sure about this draft is what will take place at the onset. To start the evening, David Stern will announce that the Hornets have selected Anthony Davis. Davis will lumber up to the podium, put on his cool new 90s Charlotte-esque  hornets snap-back hat–several sources* have confirmed that due to some wishful thinking that lighting will strike twice, and also in a microeconomics effort to save salary cap space, the Hornets organization is actually recycling the old ball cap once given to Larry Johnson at the 1991 draft— and shake hands with the commisioner while Stern tries to look Davis in the eye rather than the distraction of the long slender Snuggie Davis sports on his forehead. For certain, Davis will be drafted first and he will sign a lucrative contract that will bring him riches he has not seen since he was being recruited by coach Cal out of high school. Then everything after that, picks 2-60 (roughly half of which belong to the Rockets) and potential trades, are exciting unknowns…granted they become progressively less exciting with each pick, but still…

*=none, no sources whatsoever

*UPDATE*: Will Barton, unfortunately, did fall to the 2nd round being picked 40th overall by the Portland Trailblazers.  However, he is still going to be living out his dream of being a professional basketball player and will work hard and earn a roster spot in Portland or elsewhere.

An (belated) angry and super nerdy basketball rant from Griz vs Clippers series