Grizzlies Must Reconcile TAMS Throw-backs
“I’m not afraid of suffocating. I just don’t see why I should ever learn to breathe with my mouth closed.”-Bryant Reeves. . .…...Shareef Abdur-Rahim: the high flying bright teal spot on a perennial NBA bottom-dweller in a foreign land
“Back off, Haters!”
 Sounds 1974-75 Home Uniform |
 Sounds 1974-75 Road Warmup |
 Sounds 1974-75 Road Warmup |
 |
 |
Grizzlies Replace Juice: A GM’s Descent to the Commissioner’s Lair
ATLANTIS, Realm of Neptune – Somewhere several leagues beneath sea-level in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean, Memphis Grizzlies’ general manager Chris Wallace seeks out a man of great power. Wallace and other Griz brass had agreed to let O.J. Mayo go without making a qualifying offer and had agreed to draft a new young point guard with no intention of using the services of Agent Zero for any future missions . The Grizzlies front office knew it needed more to fill the O.J. Mayo shaped hole in their roster. Wallace had found himself at a loss during the early stages of free agency, as he could not make Memphis as alluring to new agents as Los Angeles, New York City, or Miami. He craved a new advantage. He needed a favor. It was only a few days ago he realized he needed to do something different, maybe even desperate. During a low-key, private meeting with NBA deputy commissioner Adam Silver, it was determined that Chris Wallace would be allowed to make an appeal to the most powerful control freak on the planet: the Commish’ , David Stern.
At the conclusion of a mysterious blind-folded journey, Wallace’s submarine ported at the dastardly Commissioner’s secret lair. Upon arrival and secure entrance, he was lead from the luxurious aquatic vestibule down a long marble-floored corridor. At the end of the hall, he was told by a gentleman, who bore an eerily strong resemblance to Pat Riley, to wait for Mr. Stern outside two massive mahogany doors. The Grizzlies’ GM anxiously waited by the doors and was wondering whether or not to knock when he felt an icy, soul-lessly cold breeze that made the hairs on his neck stand straight as razors- “Hello Christopher.”
“GEEZ David!” exclaimed a startled Chris Wallace. “You can’t keep creeping up on people like that someone could-”
“I’ve been expecting you,” the commissioner interrupted. “I believe we have some business to discuss. Shall we?” Stern held his evil ghastly pale wrinkly hand to a previously invisible hand sensor. The doors slowly swung open, and the Grizzlies GM cautiously followed David Stern into a spacious Victorian era library.
The room, to Wallace, was quite impressive, something of a time-warped lounge full of fascinating antiquated relics. The high walls were adorned with innumerable artifacts and old photographs. While crossing the room, walking carefully at a couple strides behind Commissioner Stern, the Grizzlies general manager noticed the sinister figure of Stern in several of the old photographs and portraits. While glancing in passing, Wallace noticed pictures of what appeared to be Stern thumb-wrestling with Kim Jong Il, playing catch in a sandlot with a young Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler, smoking hookah with Saddam Hussein, high-fiving a young Patrick Ewing, playing the saxophone with President Bill Clinton, being greeted at a Chinese airport by Yao Ming wearing a SARS mask, getting matching tattoos with Dennis Rodman, lighting a cigar for Fidel Castro, shaking his head on the set of Kazaam, playing sand polo on camel-back with Anwar Sadat, walking with the notorious Boss Tweed in Central Park, sitting at a poker table with President Warren G. Harding, and perhaps most confusingly, Wallace observed an old black and white image of a slightly younger Stern horse-back riding with former President Zachary Taylor.
Stern opened an ancient wooden cabinet on the back wall. “Care for a drink, Mr. Wallace?” Deciding it to be the best move for his livelihood, Wallace politely declined the Commissioner’s offer. He watched as Stern grabbed a few different vials from the cabinet to pour into his ornate chalice. Of the four vials Stern selected, Wallace thought he could make out the labels of three of them to read “Cure for Cancer,” “Lazarus formula,” and “Arrogance boost for Control Freaks.” Wallace moved his focus back to the remaining contents of Stern’s cabinet. He studied a potion bottle that had a picture of a blonde mustache beneath the inscription “Bird Elixir.”
“Yeah, we tried using a few drops of that stuff on Wally Szczerbiak a few years back but it never really quite panned out like I had hoped,” commented Stern, who had noticed Wallace gazing at the potion. “As for the others, I take a few things that guarantee my preservation. I intend on running this league for a long long time before I relent even a smidget of control.” Stern continued, “I understand you need a big pick up in free agency this summer, and I’m glad you came to me. Although, I’m a little surprised since your franchise rejected my advice to draft James Harden in the ’09 Draft. I arranged for you to win the number 2 overall pick in the draft lottery because I wanted to reward the Memphis fanbase for their zeal and all-around awesomeness. I am pleased to meet with you today, especially since I just learned of Memphis’ continued excellence as an NBA television market.”
“Thanks. Well,” replied the Griz general manager, “as you already know, we are prepared to use the full mid-level exception and even exceed the luxury tax, but I want this team in the Finals next season. I was hoping you might be able to show us the generosity you showed New Orleans when you intelligently arranged for them to draft the unibrow to bolster that franchise and the league as a whole.”
Stern adjusted himself in his money-stuffed arm chair. Stern stared back at the Griz G.M.. “I see. Mr. Wallace, as you are aware, most of the big name guards have already signed contracts with new teams. I think for the Grizzlies to sign someone who could make an immediate and drastic impact, we may need to pursue an alternative option that is a bit, well, unorthadox…”
“I’m listening,” Wallace assured.
“There are many things I have invested my time, money and power in, but like those revolutionary basketballs, the world is not yet ready for them. While we still do not feel our technology is at the point it could successfully or safely fuse O.J. Mayo and Tony Allen into one amazing player, naturally, I am certain I have the means to solve your roster problems. My crack staff of scientists and retired Bond villains have created a special portal to a sort of parallel universe. It would allow us to go into a separate reality to retrieve fictional basketball stars, and have them actualize in reality as we know it, playing in my NBA.”
“So kind of like in SpaceJam when cartoon characters started coming to NBA games and then some good basketball players and Shawn Bradley ventured into the cartoon universe?” asked Wallace.
“NO!” shrieked David Stern. “This is not like that! This is completely ORIGINAL and nothing like Space Jam!”
Wallace then apologized for making the obvious connection, and Stern continued.
“Mr. Wallace, I am pleased to inform you that I have carefully compiled a list of 10 fictional candidates who would make a splendid addition to the Memphis backcourt, any of whom I believe could start at shooting guard or at the very least could come off the bench to play either guard position and make a strong case for the 2012-13 Sixth Man of the Year award. For dramatic countdown list effect, I will list each potential prospect one-by-one beginning with the tenth best prospect. And Chris, before you start imagining filling the Grizzlies’ roster with other fictitious basketball stars from films like Juwana Man, White Men Can’t Jump, Celtic Pride, Heaven is a Playground, The 6th Man, The Air Up There, or Above the Rim, remember that I determined this list specifically with a certain type of guard in mind, that I have no value for the comedy genre, and I do not find any of the Wayans brothers particularly humorous after their slightly inaccurate portrayal of my daughters in White Chicks. Also bear in mind that the success of the NBA is due to the fact that I am always, always right about everything ever. ”
Wallace nodded, and the omnipotent Commissioner proceeded
10.) Jimmy Chitwood, Hoosiers
“Being the basketball-involved Caucasian that you are Chris, I believe I am right to assume you are familiar with this character from the movie Hoosiers.This small-town sharpshooter was based on real-life Indiana basketball hero Bobby Plump, and he was running around picket fence screens and knocking down jump-shots from deep without the benefit of a 3-point line. He may not fare quite as well at the NBA level, but, like most heroic basketball movie characters, this movie character shot no worse than 90% for the entire season and we saw he can hit the clutch shot when it matters most so he may be a valuable pick up for the Grizzlies.”
9.)Scott Howard, Teen Wolf
“I will admit this candidate is a bit nostalgic for me as the film debuted shortly after I became commissioner and rigged my first Draft Lottery. Also, he would make friends quickly since he looks almost identical to your mascot Griz. Scott Howard, despite being an undersized shooting guard, was an athletic guard who could really throw down slam dunks that would make shooting guards like Vince Carter or Jason Richardson envious. However, he also is known to participate in dangerous activities like doing handstands on moving vans in street-traffic, and climbing to high points to howl at the full moon. Those liabilities, coupled with the fact that his basketball talents are directly tied to a rare werewolf condition, make him the riskiest choice. But then again Chris, in what initially seemed like insane self destruction, you once traded away your only star for the rights to his little brother, late draft picks, benchwarmers and cap space, and that worked out to the tune of an NBA All-Star , Zach Randolph, and two straight playoff appearances so I won’t put it past you to take a risk and make it work for Memphis.”
8.) Jamal Wallace, Finding Forrester
“I admire when the league acquires a talented young basketball player who is actually literate. It is very refreshing. Jamal is not only literate, he’s a very gifted and precocious young writer who was mentored by a Pulitzer Prize winning author who speaks like Sean Connery . He could cover the team as a first-person beat writer. It will transform sports writing forever. He became a bit disillusioned with basketball during his junior year of high school, but he was still a highly sought after blue chip recruit. I’ve seen the kid hit fifty straight free-throws in a film sequence that actually only showed him hitting about ten, but you get how amazing he is. Also the movie seriously downplayed when he lead his prep team to the state championship finals, but that is no small feat. If we can sit around and say Tony Wroten and Josh Selby have upside and untapped potential as Grizzlies, then we certainly can say quite a bit about Jamal’s upside.”
7.) Calvin Cambridge, Like Mike-
“In this NBA approved but otherwise atrocious film, Calvin , Little Woof Woof’s character-”
“I’m sorry to interrupt commissioner, but are you referring to Lil’ Bow-”
“I’m quite certain I’m correct as always, so it would behoove you and the entire Memphis Grizzlies franchise to not disrupt me again while I am presenting these fine options for you Mr. Wallace. As I was saying, Calvin finds a magic pair of basketball sneakers that once belonged to Michael Jordan, or an urban street pharmacist I forget, and he suddenly has the powers and abilities of a player who can dunk from the top of the key on NBA players and hit shots from anywhere on the court against NBA competition. Though the actor, Pow-Wow, who played Calvin now insists he is no longer Lil’, the fact remains that the timeless immortalized fictional character Calvin Cambridge is under five-feet tall and may have trouble defending NBA shooting guards or even YMCA rec-league point guards for that matter. But hey the, kid can play.”
6.) Lola Bunny, Space Jam
“Besides being a great PR move by signing the first ever rabbit to play in the NBA, cartoons such as Warner Brother Looney Tunes also never seem to age, so this could be a great long term investment. Lola is clearly a gifted ball player who could hang with Michael Jordan in his prime, but by being less than 4 feet tall, Lola may have trouble getting her shot off against lengthy defenders in the Association and I cannot guarantee her basketball dominance in the cartoon universe will transcend the NBA game.”
5.)Sky Davis, Doug
“Clearly designed in the purple image of Air Jordan, Sky Davis could do wonders for the Griz on the court and sell millions with a new shoe deal. We know without a doubt that he is the type of classy young man with character who stops to talk and sign autographs for fans outside the mall, and would be a great off-the court factor for the franchise and the city of Memphis. One downside is we never actually see any game footage/animation from Sky Davis, so we can only assume his game is comprable to Michael Jordan’s.”
4.) Buddy, Air Bud
“Well I don’t really read the rules as much as I dictate them, but I don’t recall seeing anywhere in the NBA rule book where it explicitly states a dog can’t play in the NBA. And try to remember the last time you watched Air Bud, do you recall that dog ever shooting less than 100% from the field or the free throw line in a basketball game?”
3.) Quincy McCall, Love and Basketball
“A phenomenal young player who spent one season at USC and then declared for the NBA draft. He basically is the original O.J. Mayo.He briefly played for the Lakers, but could not get minutes with Nick Van Exel and Eddie Jones in L.A.’s backcourt and then suffered unfortunate injuries just when it seemed he was making a break-through to establish himself as legitimate NBA regular. Who knows how good he would have been before getting injured, so we would be careful to extract him before the point in the movie’s plot where he suffers career destroying injuries.”
2.) Butch McRae, Blue Chips
“Due to Anfernee’s limited acting abilities, Butch McRae, at least for all basketball purposes, is essentially a young Anfernee Hardaway thinly veiled in a shaky movie format. Imagine having Penny Hardaway before the injuries, a hometown hero beloved by the city of Memphis, teaming up with your current Grizzlies. No one could stand in their way. However there is a potential downside that even my finest fictional character retrieval technology cannot amend for, and that is the chance that something besides Butch McRae be brought back from the movie Blue Chips. Granted Blue Chips was not a bad performance for Nick Nolte and overall not terrible, but the fact remains that that movie starred Nic Nolte and Shaq as an actor, so it might be dangerous for us to retrieve anything from that parallel universe for fear that another screen persona of Shaquille O’Neal might seep into our world. We already tolerate Shaq on television regularly trying too hard and failing to to be as funny as Charles Barkley. In my many many years on this earth, I have learned that the world and our society can be very resilient, but I am not sure any of us could endure a sequel to Kazaam or a doubling of the amount of Nick Nolte films we presently avoid. This option would likely be the most rewarding in basketball terms for the Grizzlies and the NBA at large, but it could be far too costly in regards to the well-being of the world.
1.) Jesus Shuttlesworth, He Got Game
“We both are aware that you never stood any chance of signing Ray Allen, and I do realize he would have been the perfect piece to complete your roster. I’m sorry but you just never had a shot, the Heat are a ruthless, successful, business savvy team after my own cold heart. However, might I suggest the perfect Great Redeemer for your franchise? Jesus Shuttlesworth. What’s better than signing Ray Allen in the twilight of his career? Signing a previously fictional young player with the skills and longevity Ray Allen had in 1999. Unlike the damage Blue Chips acting could unleash on the world, acting performances from Denzel Washington, and even Rick Fox or Ray Allen, are nothing for any of us to fear. In Jesus Shuttlesworth, Spike Lee created a divine shooting guard he loved so you can rest assured he will at the most be the second coming of Michael Jordan and at the very least be as good as Allan Houston during his best years as a New York Knickerbocker.”
Very impressed by all of this, Chris wallace replied to Commissioner Stern: “These are all very intriguing options, thank you for making them available to me, Commissioner. I am nervous about making selection based on risk and potential upside, I am afterall, the general manager who chose Hasheem Thabeet over James Harden, Steph Curry, Ricky Rubio, and Tyreke Evans. I appreciate your suggestions, but given the advanced fictional character retrieval technology at your disposal I believe I would like to take this in a different direction. Since the late Jim Varney was a personal hero to both of us I propose that the Grizzlies be able to add:
*Chris Wallace Suggests: Ernest, Slam Dunk Ernest
“Commissioner please hear me out on this one. When Ernest is granted supreme basketball skills from the Arch Angel of Basketball, your homie Kareem Abdul-Jabar, there is nothing he can’t do on a basketball court. No shot is too far out of range for Ernest, and no pass is too errant for Ernes to finish an amazing alley-oop. Ernest single-handedly routed the entire Charlotte Hornets team before his own team mates got upset with him being such a ball hog. People would be lining up around the FedExForum for days to buy a ticket to watch Slam Dunk Ernest play with Rudy Gay and Zach Randolph. Don’t you think so Commissioner?”
David Stern seemed to ponder this option momentarily, then shot back at the Grizzlies’ GM. “Nah, I don’t really like it Chris. Simply because it is not my own idea, I fail to see how it could ever be a good idea. I’m a little embarrassed that idea did not occur to me since Slam Dunk Ernest is my all time favorite movie, so all the more reason for me to reject your obviously good idea. That is how I roll. While this is a great option, maybe the best option, I am going to promptly shoot it down and reiterate that you must stick to the options I gave you or recieve no assistance at all from me.”
“But Commissioner please. I respect your options, they are great options, but I implore you to please consider this Slam Dunk Ernest option and how he the Grizzlies and the entire entertainment world would improve because of what you can do. You can take all the credit, Slam Dunk Earnest would be a win for us both.”
Stern: “That’s assuming I still want to help you. Chances are excellent I’ve changed my mind by now.”
Wallace: “But there’s still a ‘chance’ you would still help me right?”
[Stern shakes his head]
Wallace: “How can you be so… so obtuse?
Stern: “What? What did you call me?”
Wallace: “Obtuse. Is it deliberate?”
Stern: “Son. You’re forgetting yourself.”
Wallace: “The NBA could sell his basketball trading cards. He’ll break records. We could sell jerseys with his name on them. Sir, if I ever get out of this league, I’d never say what happens here, I’d be just as indictable as you are for the NBA Draft Lottery conspiracies-”
[Stern slaps the table]
Stern: “Don’t you ever mention the Draft Lottery to me again, you sorry son of a me! Not in this underwater evil lair, not anywhere!!!”
Wallace: ” I was just trying to rest your mind at ease, that’s all.”
Stern: “Not only will I not assist you, I’ll make sure Rudy Gay does not make the Olympic team. Even though he played well on the team that won the FIBA world championship in 2010, I will replace him on the Olympic team with two less talented players at his position: Andre Igudala, and better yet, a player who did not even get invited to the initial Olympic team tryouts, a player who you passed up in the draft because you wante Hasheem Thabust, JAMES HARDEN will win a gold medal while Rudy Gay watches on TV and Marc Gasol settles with a Silver.”
[Wallace being escorted out of the room by two of Stern’s evil henchmen]
Wallace: “What’s the matter with you? It’s my chance to get to the Finals, don’t you see that? It’s my team! Don’t you understand it’s my team?!?”
Stern: “Being the benevolent brilliant man I am, I will advise you to leave now. You may leave in my submarine rather than swimming back to North America. It’s very kind of me, or perhaps I am being ‘obtuse?'”
David Stern, age 53
photo used without permission from Shawshank Prison/Stern Family Archives
. . .
When Chris Wallace arrived back on dry land, he emailed Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins, expressing his great hope for the upcoming season. Hollins was not really interested in reading any half-brained thing Chris Wallace had written, but finding himself bored at his computer he read on: “…Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies…I hope the Grizzlies win the championship next year. I hope the trophy is as shiny as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”
Hope springs eternal
basketballnerd 